The Laundry List
It’s been a minute since I’ve written a Martian Mommy column—almost three weeks, I believe. The fact is that it is no one’s fault but my own, but I still have a laundry list of excuses. What’s the saying? How does it go? Excuses are like starfish…if you throw one back, everyone has one left on the beach? What does that even MEAN?!
But, Behold…a compilation of my starfish excuses as to why I have not kept up:
The schedule with my kids shifted on the days they go to dad’s house, and that threw off my writing routine.
End of semester grades
I stopped getting encouraging comments, and I felt unloved. (See how I’m transferring the blame?)
House of Cards
Booking tour shows
My dryer wasn’t working.
Did you see that baby deer?
I cried to a bartender.
I went to Boston for the Women in Comedy Festival, and I had very little phone and wifi service.
I dropped my phone and broke some of the functions—mainly phone and wifi service.
House of Cards Season Two
Putting together the Comedy aMOMination Kickstarter for my tour
Funniest Person in Austin Contest
I was being delusional about a relationship.
30 hours of flight delays with an overnight at the Houston Hobby airport
Submitting proposals for conferences
I had Mother’s Day brunch alone…until my friend showed up.
I felt uninspired.
Developing a bystander intervention curriculum
I got a new swimsuit and a new swimcap.
My apartment HAD to be cleaned.
I STILL haven’t cleaned my apartment.
My apartment looks like an episode of Hoarders meets an episode of Cops.
Depression, party of one.
Making the Kickstarter video
Making big life decisions
I think I took on too many projects at the same time.
Handstands and backbends at Sewell
Updating my resume
I’ve been cooking more.
I don’t have a dishwasher.
My babysitter moved to Seattle.
I ran out of vitamins.
I’ve been making lists of excuses.
I still don’t understand why they call it a “laundry list”. Maybe I should spend the next hour or so “researching” that on Google.
Kelly Stone is a sexual health educator and college lecturer who likes to think of her stand-up comedy as “edutainment”. She began performing in 2006 at an open mic in Philadelphia and has been hooked on comedy ever since. She hosts the monthly Hot Mess Comedy Show at Bar 141 in San Marcos, speaks to various universities on many different topics, watches Project Runway, and is still trying to figure out how to keep her boys from smearing Greek yogurt on the furniture. Follow her on twitter: @funnykelly or help stop her kids when they are trying to run across a busy street. There’s safety in numbers.