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Polish Cannibal Mermaid Musical Porn


(& other brain candy I saw at The Lost River Film Fest)

Y'all. Y'ALL!!! I seriously saw one of the weirdest movies I ever did see during this year's Lost River Film Fest.

Full disclosure: Cinema Club provided me with a press pass this year (and last year), so I'm writing this blog to suck up to them so I can get another one next year. You see, last year, I was still doing my Martian Mommy "radio" show, and I'd given Cinema Club a promotional interview. In turn, they gave me a press pass, and I later, indeed, raved about the festival on my show. Fast forward to this year, and I was all like, 'hey guys, I'll write a blog about it', and they were like 'sure whatever'. I mean, they used an image of me with my sweetie sitting with my artist friend, B. Alice, in their social media advertising AND in the newspaper. So, yeah, um...YOU'RE WELCOME CINEMA CLUB!!! (Side note: I was listed as a festival ATTENDEE in the paper, and NOT as a local CELEBRITY, and well, I just felt that that was plain lazy reporting. lol) Okay, you came here to read about exotic singing lady-fish porn, and I'm not gonna let you down. But first, can I tell you how cool it was to watch Idiocracy on the big screen in a room full of people that GET IT while I was tipsy on homemade boozy Brawndo?! Well, let me tell you, it was so freaking fun. However, I believe that there were certainly NOT enough electrolytes in that homemade version of Brawndo that Cinema Club made for us cuz I sho' did have a big ol' headache the next morning, and I *know* it wasn't from thinking too hard. So, yeah, I had a blasty at the opening night garden party and screening of Idiocracy, and I absolutely adored Atom Von Arndt's introduction to the film and the comedic French character he portrayed. 'Twas brilliant! And oh so refreshing! Almost as refreshing as that homemade Brawndo! Cinema Club also provided free Twisted X, Tito's, and some other local beers, AND they had Airheads candies and dum-dums on all of the tables! Such damn cute attention to detail. It just felt nice to have a little sliver of space in the world to feel solidarity with others in coping with this alternate timeline, er, Idiocracy, in which we seem to be currently living. The next day, after treating my electrolyte-depleted headache, I had to spend the morning and afternoon preparing for my TEDx Talk dress rehearsal, so I didn't get to see Rodents of Unusual Size, a film about the introduction of non-native nutria, or any of the daytime films. However, my lover went, and he said it was a really good movie. (He actually ended up going to see far more movies than I was able too, so you can def ask him more about the Lost River Film Fest too--he's a total fan.) After my dress rehearsal, we ended up over at David Marrs' house to rest/rejuvenate before the late night screening of The Lure that was funded in part by the SMTX Mermaid Society. We decided to arrive at the Price Center as 'Trike Squad' using my son's adult tricycle and David's two adult big wheels. We pedaled, as very large children, through the historic neighborhood and arrived at the venue sweaty and breathy, not knowing yet that that was probably the director's intention for us anyway. We helped ourselves to more of the free Twisted X beers and found seats in the cool kids back of the room. TRIKE SQUAD! I'll start my account of watching the movie here...with my one big complaint...and that's this...sitting in chairs at the same level as everyone (rather than tiered or stacked like in a theater) MAKES IT VERY HARD TO READ THE SUBTITLES. Okay, there, I said it, Cinema Club, the seating could've been better with bleachers. BLEACHERS! *smiles warmly* Sorry. Fish pornography. You're right. I'm back. So, there we were watching this bizzarro movie that was a musical in a foreign language with subtitles that I could only read every now and again when someone shifted in their chair. Much like The Greatest Showman, it was clear from the beginning that--oh wow--this is a freakin' *musical*! They're SINGING. Yeesh. Then I thought, well, they ARE mermaids. Did I not expect singing from sirens? I felt silly for even being surprised. Then they ate some people in a band. Then they swam ashore to go work in a strip club where they performed as real live mermaids and where johns were allowed to fist-bang them in their vadge slit down near the bottom of their eel tails. When they had legs, they didn't have buttholes. They were like Barbie-dolls on the bottom. Hmmmm...let's see... There were some weird fantasy sequences (to song, of course) where the mermaid sisters, Silver and Gold, were nursing on a queen mermaid, but the fantasy was shaken off and brought back to reality when the woman fantasizing about being the queen mermaid smelled the fish-cooter odors still lingering on her lover's hands. I told y'all. It was bizzarro. There was love. There was bisexuality. Definitely singing. So much singing. With very detailed lyrics. Oh, and at some intervals, everyone in the movie knew the same song and dance moves, singing about their horrible depression or something. I was confused, definitely. There was a weird scene where a lady poisoned a whole house and then brought everyone back to life with IV's after they tried to murder the mermaids. Don't worry guys, it turned out, the mermaids could just eat more people and overcome all. Except love. Love, they couldn't overcome. Love would turn them into sea foam. Oh, and there was a random rockstar devil version of Triton that had a strange stringing together of cameos and advice-giving sequences. He had a disjointed role that didn't really make a lot of sense to me TBH. But he had scars from removing his horns himself, so. Then one of the mermaids surgically traded in her tail for legs so that she could have a "real pussy", and then she had to re-learn to walk. On the first day that she was able to take her first unassisted step, she decided it was time to try out sexy-time with her new bottom half. She and her murderer-lover-band mate proceeded to sing it out about doin' it, but he ended up all crotch-covered in blood from her ax wound. Hummmm...WHAT ELSE?! Oh, there was a lesbian mer-sex murder scene with a lady detective, complete with spiny eel-tail licking and all. A wedding. Lots of costumed choreography. Boobies. Crimes of passion. It really did HAVE IT ALL. I can't think of any base they didn't cover in this film. And my goodness, I'm so glad to have that super weirdo movie seared into my brain. That wouldn't have been possible without the wonderful work of Cinema Club bringing so much culture to our little town. I missed most of Saturday because of my TEDx Talk, and yes, I'm totally bragging. But on Sunday morning, I saw a film called Black Bodies and then a block of films from Texas filmmakers. I would tell y'all about those too, but this is getting long, and I know y'all wuz mostly just interested in reading about the porn. I mean, this IS the internet. Bottom line: if you missed the Lost River Film Fest this year, you seriously missed something special. Be sure to get passes to the fest next year. You never know what movie your cerebrum could get aroused by. I'm still shaking my head about those slits.

(Psst...how'd I do Cinema Club? Can I get a press pass for next year? xoxo)

#lostriverfilmfest #cinemaclub #filmsociety #mermaid #porn #smtx #sanmarcos #weird #cannibal #musical

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